Spit and Curse

Jobless in the 1 month++

2010-07-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

Some new updates here. I finished my last exam paper on early of June. Then I targeted to spend one month to have fun (as a reward for my study effort. *sob)!

I watched quite a number of movies during the month. The maximum record where I watched 3 movies in a week! The feeling was just so great! I caught up with my friends and we went to yam cha and shopping. This is the only time I can feel a lot of freedom and release. Hooray!

Since I would be moving back to my parent’s home on July, I and my housemates organized a barbeque as a farewell. We had barbeque at the park opposite our house. Thank God that the night wasn’t a raining day. We had candles to make the atmosphere even comfortable and nice. I felt warmth when I see all my friends are having their barbeque, chatting and laughing together.

Too bad that I have to say goodbye to them. They always place in my deep heart for sure.

So, what was next? A trip in Kuching! I have been waiting Hannah and Boon Feng to upload the pictures for so long! I am getting impatient. *Sigh

I like green. It has let me feel fresh and happy. Kuching is unlike KL. It has not fully developed yet. Kuching does not have a lot of high buildings instead of double story houses and shops. I can see some empty spaces with full of grasses which the scenario would not be happened in KL.

Honestly I believe tat the sky in Kuching is the best compared with all the places I had been in east Malaysia. The view is just so nice. The clouds are extremely thick! I hope I can sleep in the clouds. And the hills are so huge and high. I was wondering what a view point would be when I am standing on the top. I hope the place won’t be fully developed because the natural should be preserve as the same as the original.

Talk about food. Hananh said: “Each of you must gain 5 KG before go back to KL”. What!! You are just kidding me. I couldn’t be afford to gain more fat in my body even 1 gram. Indeed, she really did what she says.

Opss, I have forgotten to mention about Sam. He is another lovely guide and also the driver. I really appreciate and grateful them to bring us for many places and tried all the good foods. The foods are so tasty.

Sorry guys I don’t have the photos therefore I couldn’t share more here. Next time if you want to go Kuching must try “Wheat Grass Si(drink), Kampua, Dry Noodles, Ding Bian Hu, Mint Herbal Tea, Durian Ice, Toasted Bread, Rojak, Laksa, Sea Food, and ‘million’(not sure if the vegetable name corrects)”.

I almost get sick that time because I was eating too much. Luckily I drank a “ton” of water to reduce my body heat.

Other than food, we also went to the beach in ‘Danmai’(should be correct, lolx), jungle tracking(there is a zoo inside, I saw Orang Hutan and Bears!) and Museums(this is a must for every tourist, I saw head hunter’s house!)

We have missed some activities in ‘Danmai’ and the jungle because the time constrain. If I have another chance again I would take the tour package (provides by an agent in Danmai) to stay in long house in order to experience the local culture. I also want to rent a room in Danmai to enjoy the beach view, manicure, pedicure and massage. For the jungle trip, I want to have a camping and barbeque there next time.

Kuching, I will be coming again!

Yeah, we also went to have foot massage for an hour. It is not so expensive. The day time charges are much cheaper than the night time which is only 28 ringgit. The environment is so enjoyable. We can watch television while enjoying the massage. Even though I can feel some pains, the overall process is still comfortable.

Seriously I really gone broke after my mum and my elder sister stopped their financial support to me. Therefore I aim to get a job latest on end of August. I went for 2 interviews which are about education (not related with my major at all, I wanna get a try though).

Finally, I got confirm by my first interview. Tomorrow I will be a working adult! It is a totally new start for me. It is the time for me to move on my life into a working social.

Be confidence, be smart.

All the best to me, Miiu Miiu!

何谓爱情?

2010-06-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

又是我想写作的时候了。平时的我都是想好了题目才开始写的。但现在的我脑袋空白，还不懂要写什么样的题材。嗯。。。就写“何谓爱情”吧！

老实说我很想谈一场轰轰烈烈的爱情。当然不是那些肉体上的轰轰烈烈，而是心灵上的。很深奥吧。何为心灵上呢？它的含义不是三两句话就可以解释到的。

老爸常说：“男人的爱是什么？是做爱！”当然不是全部男人都是好色的。但是大多数的男人都会要和那一刻他心爱的人做爱。他到底是爱她还是短暂的欲望？我最近在面子书里的一篇文章学到了一句经典的话，“没能帮她披上嫁衣，就不要脱她的内衣”。这句话的含义重大。它表达出现代人对爱情错误的观念。一心以为爱就是给于他自己的一切，但最后换来的就是被甩的伤害，奉子成婚不久后的吵架和分裂，甚至得爱滋病或性病。当然，也有一些有福气的人奉献了自己的一切最后也得到好的结果。但，这些人又有多少个？不要那么傻把自己的下半辈子押上台做赌注。除了父母，没人会同情你。若这个男人真的愿意等到娶你时才敢脱你的内衣，我敢包证他是99.99%爱你的（世上没有完美的事，除了神）。请相信我，我们不是活在古代（他们一言九鼎，现在的我们？无言。。。），口头上的承诺听听就好。

自小对爱情没什么信心的我加上老爸的“独特教导”，让我完全不能放胆去爱。一想到男生就想到他只是想吃我的“猪”然后离我而去。很荒唐吧，我就是有这么的一个想法。第一位男友是五年前的事。分手后的我很可惜还没能遇到我另一位心灵上的伴侣。当然中间也有一些小插曲，但结局都是不能公开的爱。算了，过去的事就别提了，自己明白就好。

虽然说我对爱情没什么信心，但我不是一个容易认输的人。我还是相信事情永远都会有两面的。今年我想是我的烂桃花年吧，追求者是有几位，但他们根本不懂什么是爱。我当然也不是十分知道爱是什么，但基本的道理我还懂。你会和一位你不了解的人或陌生人谈恋爱吗？若你答“是”的话，那我告诉你，你谈的不是恋爱，是寂寞。不管是男生还是女生都想要有一段很美丽的爱情故事。故事的开始是他们在某某地方相遇，然后互相开始认识和联络，之后爱情的种子慢慢的萌芽和发展。男上开始追求女生，女生也每天打扮得漂漂亮亮地出去约会。几个月后男生终于向女生表白了。他握着她的手，心跳得很快，他温暖的手微微地抖，兴奋的他心想她应该会答应成为他的女友。当她害羞的点了点头时，他当然是心花怒放，恨不得狠狠地吻她一口来证明他们的开始。

所谓“夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏”。美好的事总是有一个限期。相信大家都听说过“热恋期”吧？人类是善变的，贪新忘旧是人类的本性。热恋期通常都不超过三个月，半年或最长一年（很罕有）。这段日子双方都好像被蜜糖粘住了，刚分开就想见面，才挂断电话就想再次听到他/她的声音，每一刻都在想着他/她，当回神时才发现自己在微笑。

当这段日子一过，考验就降临了。他们开始为一些事情吵架。不成熟的情侣就会因此而分手。而成熟的就会领悟到吵架后的了解而更爱对方，两颗心又更加地靠近。慢慢地爱情就会升华成感情。

就如我之前所说的，“人类是善变的，贪新忘旧是人类的本性”。当一对情侣的感情已经发展到平淡的阶段。他/她会开始觉得闷，想回到过去的热恋。若这时候双方都没能为对方带来意外或惊喜来为他们平淡的爱情再次擦出火花。，更大的考验就来临了。他们很容易被外来的人诱惑，或是试着从另一个人身上找回那所谓的“新鲜感”。人的心房是很狭小的，不能容许对方存有另外一个，即使是想也不能。

有少许的人会为了他们的感情能够永久而为对方花心思。两人会开始讨论如何才能再次让对方爱上自己，就像刚开始一样。也有一些人会选择忽略或控制他们内心的冲动，让自己了解何谓知足常乐的道理好让他们能珍惜现在所拥有的平凡。

最后还有一些人是和以上的两种人相反，他们不能控制自己的欲望而搞上了第三者。还未结婚的朋友们，我真心的恭喜你们因为你们可以立刻地抽身离开，然后一个人抱着枕头痛苦到天亮。哭过后又是一条好汉。而结婚了的人就比较难抽身而出。孩子永远都是导致一对夫妇不能离婚的原因。陷入如此状况的他们只能拼命的挣扎，每天都在想到底要不要离开他/她。一部分的他们会在一场剧烈的吵架后和解。她/他会恳求他/她的原谅。原谅后也不一定会立刻雨过天晴，因为还有一条很大很大的刺还深深地插在对方的心中。只有时间和行动上的证明才能让那颗正在滴血的心慢慢地复原。为了一刹那的冲动而让双方都活在痛苦之中，值得吗？应该吗？我敢大声地说，“这些人，好愚蠢。”

无论结局是在一起还是分开，其实只要你有深深地爱过某人，你就是胜利者。结局不一定是事情的全部。若你从来都没有深爱过一个人，就算让你白头到老又有何用？你尝试过因为他/她而不开心了一整天直到她/他回来找你吗？你试过想尽办法给她/他惊喜好让他/她对你开心一笑吗？你尝试过想念不在身边的他/她那种又酸又甜的感觉吗？你尝试过他/她没能答应你想和他/她一起做的事而感到失落吗？固然一对相爱的情侣能在一起到老是最好。但若他们因某些事分开并不代表他们是爱情的失败者。因为他们曾经深深地爱过一个人。他们尝试过那种因为太在乎而让对方可以不留余地伤害自己。那种无法形容的痛只有深爱过的人才能了解。你能说他们失败吗？我不认为。

对于我来说，一场轰轰烈烈的爱情就是一个美丽的邂逅，然后开始互相了解，之后爱对方爱到无发自拔（不包括婚前性行为），完全因为对方而影响自己的情绪（不会闹自杀），为他做一些我平时不会做的事（不能堕落）。最后无论分开或是在一起，我。。。都不后悔。这就是我梦想的爱情。
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还没结束呢！

很可惜，可以和我轰轰烈烈谈一场恋爱的人没能让我遇上。时间慢慢地流失，我也开始变成熟了。现在的我当然还是渴望可以完成我幼稚的梦，但我的想法不再那么强烈了。我开始向往一段细水长流的爱情（虽然有点不甘心我错过了我的梦，气死我了！）。最重要是双方的思想都够成熟，能试着了解对方要什么，不会随便吵架，珍惜对方，尊敬对方，关怀对方。要以行动（不是肉体的爱）来代表你爱她/他，而不是满口的甜言蜜语。平时的小动作就可以知道他/是否真心为你好。

男生——》先夹菜才给你;不让你穿的太暴露;不让你走在后面（除非他真的很赶时间而你也熟悉那个地方）;让你站在内边好让你离路过的车辆远一点;确保在车上等他的你锁上车门后才去办事;等你进家门时才离去，还有很多很多。

女生——》不随便乱发脾气；适当的时候听他的话；体谅他的感受，他不想做的事就不要逼他；不要当面纠正他，一些男人的自尊心很强的，等等。

一段可以长久的爱情不是你爱她/他多深，而是你真的了解他/她吗？你可以为他/她付出什么？若你只想要在对方的身上获得什么但又不要付出，那你真的是爱情的失败者。有句话说“没有一百巴仙的一个人，只有五十巴仙的两个人。”

最后，我未来的他，何时出现呢？

快要游上岸的心情

2010-05-30T07:40:00.000-07:00

老实说，这么多运动之中我最想学的是 “游泳”。尤其是飘浮在水面上的感觉，望着那蓝蓝的天空是最享受的。很可惜，三分钟热度的我一直都没能够学会游泳。朋友们都说他们是自学的。我自认我没有游泳的天分，自学更是不可能。还记得上一次我和我的室友们去游泳，他们都游得很棒。就像一条自由自在的鱼一样。而我呢？就像一条快要被淹死的鱼。我一直努力地游啊游啊，当我抬头一看，还是在回原点，气得我的脸上都浮了几条青根。室友们见我可怜都来教我游泳。他们先示范一次然后我自己跟着游一次给他们看。游了几次后他们发现是我游的姿势不对，然后慢慢地纠正我的错误。每当我稍有进步时就已经快要天黑了，是时候回家了。超没有运动细胞的我到了第二天又忘了我昨天所学的姿势，一切又变回原点，好郁闷！就这样一天拖一天，没什么耐心的我学了四天就不学了。其实我是不想让我的室友们浪费他们玩乐的时间来教我，而且他们也不是游泳教授，很难让我掌握游泳的技巧。虽然到现在为止我还是对游泳一窍不通，但我学会了“浮”。这是我一直都很自豪的事（自爽）。

中文真的是很奇妙的语言，一句话可以有不同的意思。就像我之前在面子书写了“快要游上岸的心情是无比的快乐，兴奋，以及...期待. 但，游上岸后又是怎样的一片天空呢？我们下集再续”，表面上这句话是描述一位游泳者快要游上岸的心情，但事实上它可以包含着不同的意思。老实说，当我谢写下这句话的心情是很矛盾的。在大学血拼了四年后终于剩下最后一张考试，就在这个星期五。当然我十分希望我可以顺利地过关然后戴上我渴望已久的四方帽，自豪地站在台上接过我宝贵的毕业证书。但毕业后的我又可以干什么？这就是我矛盾的地方。我相信每一位即将毕业的学生都能明白我现在的感受。人生有好多路可以选。我爸常对我说“路是你选的，你要自己负责”。没错，路是我自己选的，但也要配合时间，地利，人和。比如有些明星很有实力，但怎么红也红不起来。为什么？因为这社会上伯乐太少了。不是每一位老板都会适当地运用每一位员工的长处，将他们的潜能发挥出来。员工们都希望自己的老板能了解他们要的是什么，但很可惜老板往往却不能给予员工们所要的。这就是打工一族的苦恼，每天除了抱怨还是抱怨。以后的我会步入他们的后尘吗？希望不会。

我一直以为只要毕业就没问题了，原来我的想法是很幼稚的。毕业后还有更多的挑战等着我来面对，当然压力也会逐渐变大。花了一大笔钱来读书的我是对自己是有一定的期望，家人对我更不用说。但我心里清楚地明白我将来不想干什么大事业，我只想要有一份安定的工作，每天都过得很充实，不要抱怨就行了。很简单吧。不管我以后会面对怎样的未来，但至少这一刻我知道自己要努力完成我最后的考试。老天爷你一定要保护我，我很脆弱的，请不要让我承受打击。我不期望得很高分，只要能过关就够了。

快要游上岸的心情，你，能理解吗？

我的承诺

2009-11-04T05:31:00.000-08:00

最近的生活真的超超超无聊！虽然每天都在忙但心情总是空荡荡的，好空虚哦！我很不喜欢这种感觉。它就像一条很粗大的绳子把我捆绑在一个黑暗的空间，让我看不见什么是快乐，让我不能在热闹的人群中拥有一丝感觉，让我对任何事情都不能掀起一股动力。

现在的我就像活在一个没有灵魂的身躯，每天都在重复同样的事情，做一样的事。开始觉得自己慢慢的变得越来越悲观。是周围的人和事情让我变得如此吗？我到底缺乏了什么？是什么让我变得越来越失去自我？是什么让我变得越来越空虚？

自尊心强的我一直都不认为爱情是全部，更不认为只有爱情才可以填满空虚的心灵。我的原则就是永远都不会因为寂寞而爱，也不会因为空虚而选择用爱情来解决。是我要求太高了吗？我不认为。
为了让我现在的生活变得有意义，我打算用快来临的假期来平衡我的心情。我答应自己一定要找回我失去的东西，虽然我不懂到底我失去了什么，但我会试着找它回来。我要我的笑容是发自内心而笑，而且还是大声笑的那种。

再多三天我就熬过了这个学期。虽然放假后学习的压力还会回来，但这是每个大学生必经的问题，一定要把它视为平常，不要退缩。现在的我不能想象放假后我会遇到什么更大的问题。可能会不及格？还是会出现奇迹让我平安地度过？上天会可怜我让我过了这一个难关吗？我真的不能想象也不敢去想。

真的不能再让自己想太多了。是时候让自己的头脑在三天后休息。突然有一句话很适合用在现在的情况，虽然平时的我不会认同这句话，但现在的我不得不说“一切让它顺其之然吧”。是的，想太多也没用，到时自然会有结果。我一定要坚持！这是我给我自己的承诺。一定要毕业！加油！

十一月宝贝

2009-10-30T02:55:00.000-07:00

身为你的好朋友，老实说我并没有给予你什么感动的事情，也没有一直在你开心和失落时出现。当然，你在我的心目中一直是有地位的。至少在高中时我们经历的事情也不少，当然其中也有包含我们一班姐妹“出生入死“的经历（好像有点夸张，哈哈！），也少不了一起开心大笑的时光。认识你是在我初二的时候，那时我们俩都是通过玉珊认识的，也可以说没有她我们就不会成为一班好朋友。热情的我遇上冰冷的你时常让我碰钉子。刚开始我不懂你会不习惯我的热情，但之后我在去年的中秋节知道了你一直以来都不习惯我对你过于友好的方式，真的让我好伤心。但没关系，至少因为那天以后我又了解你多一点了，友谊就是这样建立回来的，不是吗？没有人一出生就会一百巴仙了解另一个人。很对不起你的生日我没能出席，但我还是以最真诚的方式来祝福你，“二十一岁生日快乐”。希望你和他的幸福可以蔓延到永远，每天都是带着欢笑和快乐。另外我也希望我们一般姐妹淘可以继续友好直到让我们的小孩也一起做朋友（哈哈，想太远了）。再次真心地告诉我很重视的你，在快要来临的二十一岁生日：

"生日快乐"

我该如何选择？

2009-10-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

今天的我，又哭了。在一个没有人的房间里，一个人哭泣。我可以向谁倾诉？谁又可以拍拍胸口的告诉我“没问题，你只要专心的上学，学费和生活费都不是问题。”

我的经济彻底的崩溃了。到处去向人借钱一直都是我最恨的事，即使向家人讨钱也一样。你知道当我在面临没有经济支助的日子是如何过的吗？是很无助但又非得坚持，是疲累但又非得继续。每一刻都在提醒自己要省着用，就连吃饭也要吃最便宜的，买菜也要买最便宜的，而且还只能让自己买青菜，尽量不要买肉吃。

大多数的我都一个人在吃饭。一个人吃饭是很寂寞的。面对一盘热腾腾的饭菜和冷冷的空气，这种日子我过了多久？为何我不要和别人吃饭？和别人吃饭实在太花金钱和时间了。外面一盘饭最少要花5块钱，长期的吃我根本活不下去，而在家煮饭成了我唯一的选择。面对一大堆功课的我更本没精力和别人在吃饭时多谈，只想快点填饱肚子继续做功课。

上课已经很累了，放学还要面对一大堆做不完的功课。一天二十四个小时都用在吃饭，睡觉，上课，和做功课。就连离我最靠近的室友都没什么时间说话。好不容易到了放假，根本不能尽情地玩，还得去做工赚取生活费。这样的生活你能了解吗？我很累了，真的很累了。。。

昨天我生病了。长期的煎熬让我的坚持慢慢地变得越来越脆弱。原本一开始打算要完成大学文凭的我开始动摇了。每一次选择要放弃的时候都是梦玥坚持的不让我离开。是她一直地告诉我我是可以的，是她一次又一次的鼓励我不要放弃。但，昨天的我真的不行了。精神不稳定的我再加上身体不舒服，让我一阵个晚上都做不了作业，只能躺在床上。

没有英文背景的我一直都比别人慢一拍，每次做作业的时候都是特别的吃力和难熬。昨天，我没来得及交作业。这份作业占有百分之四十。我知道我这一科一定会不及格，若这一科不及格就可以定了我大学生的生涯。我的学费是靠政府借回来的，若其中有一科不及格政府就会停止贷款给我，没有了学费我只能停学。好不容易完成了一份作业但又交不了的心情你了解吗？

虽然是一份不完整的作业，可能内容也很烂，但至少我在带着生病的状态之下完成了。昨晚，我异常的平静，可能一个人到达了极限就会变得如此。身边的梦玥显露出一份为我担忧的心情。我们俩从大学一直都在互相鼓励和支持，我知道一旦我走了她就会受到很大的打击。一个人的她会是如何继续？

虽然我知道这一科一定会不及格，但我还是会继续完成我这个学期，这样一来对自己和梦玥都有一个交代。现在的我根本看不到前方。虽然情况看起来只有停学的一条路，但我又甘心吗？付出了那么多努力的我是应该要有这样的结果吗？

还剩一个学期就可以得到了一个文凭，没有政府贷款的我根本继续不了。我该怎么办？向家人要钱吗？面对着退休的母亲和事业失败的父亲，我该如何开口？面对着正在半工读的大姐，筹备着婚礼的二姐，刚找到工作的哥哥，我该如何开口？我真的很无奈。我，该继续吗？放弃也会是一个好的选择吗？我该如何选择？

我难过

2009-10-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

最近的我不懂发生了什么事情，总是特别忧愁，特别不快乐。尤其是这几天的想法过分地偏激，思想开始不平衡，心中开始出现了恨！恨我现在一切的遭遇和事情，恨我的无能，恨我的无助! 我想活在一个假的空间，身边的一切都是完美的。有完美的家人，完美的朋友，和完美的伴侣，每天都活在愉快之中，没有一刻是不快乐的。很可惜，现实中的我是没有任何选择的余地。越来越多事情发生在我懂事后，不开心远远多过开心的。这几天我哭了，原因不详。是生活的压力压得我喘不过气来吗？面对着一份又一份的作业，一次又一次地拒绝的我应有的娱乐，我开心吗？我以为我会快乐每当我和一班朋友出来聚会，大家开心地谈天说地会是我觉得最幸福的事。但我开始发现这种感觉不知在什么时候开始消失了，就像空气一样的消失了，不知什么时候会再出现。是我的孤独蒙蔽了我身边一切快乐的事吗？我到底少了什么？家庭？友情？还是爱情？我想我没有一样是圆满的。谁可以给我支持？我想只有我自己。是我的问题吗？是我没能力让我身边的人爱护我吗？是我的坚强让每个人认为我不用被保护反而可以去保护别人。错了，一切都错了。事实中的我没有那么坚强，我会变得坚强是被逼出来的，我没得选择。我应该责怪我的父母不能给我一个家的感觉吗？深刻的回忆一直都刻在我的心里面，那冰冰的地板让我好空虚，好冷。家，是冷的吗？

说真的我以为我一生中会有一班永远分不散的姐妹淘，大家都了解对方，不会有秘密和距离。当然这是不可能的，人与人之间一定会产生不满，有人的地方就会有摩擦，就算最亲的人也一样。当姐妹淘出现了另外一半，很自然的一个家庭会变得越来越大，而男友是最好的保护所。最重要的是那幸福的感觉会让人情不自禁地对男友寸步不离，即使离开了也会很快地回到他身边。单身的我就需要自救，知道如何避免被无心的冷落，让自己习惯这一切是正常的。我从来都不会让我的朋友在男友和朋友之间选择一位，因为换成是我也不能做出选择。唯一的方法就是让自己在适当时加入他们。当然在加入的过程也要看双方面的配合。若对方和对方的男友都是较细心的人，自己当然会是被爱护的那位。相反地，若对方不太细心而男友也较内向，距离就会产生。

女生是很需要被人保护的。对我而言，永远不要让身边的女生朋友单独的离开，不要因为自己的懒惰而让她一个人走，除非是她自己愿意提出的。当她要一个人下车买东西，请你不要待在车上，除非她要你留在车上。当她忘了拿东西，请陪她一起走回去拿。当她一个人走在你后面，请让她跟你一起走。当她手上拿着东西而你两手空空，请帮她分担。小小的动作就能维持一段友谊。心思不是透过一个特别的日子表达你对她有多在乎，而是语言上的慰问和个人小小的动作就能看得出这段友谊到底是表面的还得实在的。若对方没能发现你小小的关怀而认为你不重视她这位朋友，请让她知到真正的友谊不是靠吃喝玩乐建立回来的，而是靠对方的细心和体谅。每个人都会交朋友，一个名字就可以认识对方了。但，愿意学习维持朋友关系的人又有多少？可以无言地对你做出适当的关怀又有多少个？没有人是一百巴仙的朋友，但愿意学习和给予对方学习就是一份真诚的友谊。不要过份包容对方的不足而自己在背后不快，让对方知道你的感受也让她尽可能对你像你对她一样。这样的友谊才能平衡和继续生长。嘲笑对方不再是证明我们的友谊有多深。若你在乎她，请多说好话让她快乐。若你在乎她，请在其他人都在嘲笑她时保护她。若你在乎她，请不要为难她，让她做她可以做到的事，勉强的答应只会带来临时的爽约。

爱情是我一直没能认真体验的东西。说真的我没有对过一个男生爱到死心塌地的程度，不知那感觉会是如何的，我不能想象。到底是我身边的人还是我个人的问题，每一段爱情只能停留在暧昧当中。没有开始当然会没有结束，而分手的痛苦当然不会存在。但，我有爱过吗？我想没有。但愿有一天我会为某某人开心大笑，也为他伤心痛苦，我想这就是喜欢一个人的感觉吧。心中的实在感会一直地被他填满，每想到他就会有种幸福的感觉。你的爱情是这样吗？虽然我现在的状况是蛮糟糕的，但我相信这一切是暂时而已，不会永久。一个温馨的鼓力和支持就是我最大的动力。请让我坚持下去，不要放弃。好吗？

I want my optimistic back!

2009-09-19T02:27:00.000-07:00

When was the last time I laugh out loud? I can't remember. I don't like rainy day at all when I am awake. The dark sky spoiled my mood and I will become moody for the day. The raining so heavy now, I am wondering when will it stop so I can feel better. Too much pressure in my degree program. The lecturer keeps emphasising that my English needs more improvement. It has to be a long way to take though. The process is not that easy. I need encouragement most of the time to make sure I can proceed. It is already half way now and I can't give up easily. I always wonder how others can be so relaxed for their study. Maybe I didn't knew that they are having a hard time too? I don't know. Next year June, that will be the important day to prove my success, my honor and my proud! "Going to finish soon", this is the the phrase to make me motivated! Even though I sacrificed a lot of fun times with my family and friends but I know it will be worth when I am standing on the stage and dressing with my gown. Sweet...

What a relax day for me

2009-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't waste my precious day to do nothing and kept sleeping at the whole afternoon. But, I did it. I am guilty now but my physical don't want to act, it just want to stay in the comfortable status. Now is 1.53 at the midnight, why I can still blogging instead of begin reading my reader and start to do my weekly journal? I am just lazy, I know I shouldn't... But I am doing it. Please, please, please save me from the addiction of procrastinate!

Time to write

2009-08-14T04:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been abandoned my blog such a long time. Now is the time to write some craps. I will act as an extra tomorrow in Double Vision. My character would be a nurse and one dialogue per scene(3 scenes in total). Even though I had some experiences on shooting but still nervous. I am not used to work as front stage but rather backstage such as production team. I am afraid when people look at me while shooting, that's why working as backstage always good and comfortable without gaze by people most of the time.

However, the working period for tomorrow will be quite long where it may take me half of a day to stay. The location will be at Kuchai Lama (not sure where is it so I'll go with the team). Just in case that I won't feel bored while waiting others shooting, I will bring along my MP3 and books. I think it is necessary for me now to keep practicing in front of the mirror to make sure I can perform well in front of the camera. In fact, I only very few scenes compare with the other important characters, I shouldn't be afraid of it. But now, I feel nervous like shit!

Okay, time to go. Last sentence here. I am wondering why those super stars can act damn natural in anytime and anywhere? Where is their confidence comes from?

A worse clubbing night again...

2009-07-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

I like R&B musics, especially with loud volume and high beat! My heart will follow the music beats and my body start to dance unconsciously, the feeling is just great! Can you imagine it? Sorry if my description is not detail enough due to my poor English, still improving though.

Last Saturday I and my besties went to a night club nearby The Curve. Actually I not really want to go but one of my besties asked me to accompany her and I felt hard to reject. Things happened as what I expected-boring. We arrived there around 12 something at the mid night. Since it was during weekend, definitely the place was being crowded and full of crazy clubbing guys.

The day was my friend's friend birthday. He asked my bestie to join the celebration and my bestie asked me and others accompany her. Since I am not really close with the birthday guy, I didn't talk much with him. The noisy place caused me not even able to give a normal birthday greet politely. We separated in two groups, one is the birthday guy's group, the other one is our girl's group. We found a corner -a small space with fresh air- then enjoy our girl's clubbing time.*laugh* The day was the shortest time I stayed at a night club- only one and half hour I guess.

Anyway, I won't think back any second of the boring night but looking forward to my July baby's birthday. She has been complaint that July is her bad month but I hope to give her a wonderful July birthday as possible as I can. I am not sure whether things will be going smooth on that day but I will try my best to make it happen in her life. Just want to let her know that I really care about her and always willing to bring laughter to her with full of my heart. Love her always.

No title

2009-05-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

I think the most enjoy moment in my day is listening my favorite songs while typing out things I want to share with my readers. The feeling is so relax and good .Actually I have no topic to share today, just type for nothing and crap around. Fun? Yeah it is quit fun. Lolx...

~The End~

Am I too sensitive?

2009-05-23T01:26:00.000-07:00

Before that I would like to let my baby girls know that I really happy to hear some good news from them that they are passing their days so well.

Yesterday I went to Cheras(a cafe nearby Hong Lok) with one of my girl friend and accompany her to yam cha with her other new friends. Seriously I not really feel comfortable in the drink session where most of them I don't really know.

I would rather make new friends in church or Buddhist campaign where most of them are definitely not bad people. And the location is guaranteed safe to stay.

Some bad feeling pop up in my mind when I know that there are 9 more persons to join and I am not really prepare yet to make friends with this bunch of new fellows. The condition linked me to think about gang rape and I guess that the reason why those victims fallen in the trick due to their unawareness attitude with strangers.

Even though there are two girls joined in the group but I still worry about our secure and always keep my eye on my belongings and drink. I believe that a good condition for me to make new friends is the number of people I know must more than the strangers.

I realised that most of the guys are car mechanic(I saw some black oil stain on their fingers tip) but we seldom talk to each other rather than playing cards and game.

Finally, we took 3 hours to finish the drink session and I got home safely. Phew... Since we didn't drive yesterday and her new friend is the one fetched us but still I called my friend to make sure she reached home safely.

I think I have to take longer time to open my heart to join this big bunch of new fellows even though they might not those bad persons I thought at the first place. By the way, next Monday I have to accompany this friend to join the other drink session with her primary school mates.

My feeling now is so contradicting where I really glad that she begins to walk out from her hurt but in the other hand I worry she might meet bad fellows. Anyway, I will keep my eye on her to make sure she can meet good friends and try to protect her from bad incidents.

Last sentence to conclude my post, I am just a typical girl and I will feel tired as well. Is there anyone willing to protect me when I feel helpless? If yes, please do it to me...

Kittens in the house

2009-05-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

Guess what! We are having 3 new members in the house. Kittens!

Last week my housemate who staying in my next door told us that he saw the kittens in the roadside while me and my the other two housemate going out.

Since my lovely housemate Yuritna is an extreme pets lover then for sure she want to take them home to foster and prevent them to die in accident from outside.

And definitely I and Roy must support her and let her to do so even though we are not that passion to keep new members in the house.

By the way, it is good to protect those little kitties also because they are lack of ability for self-protection so we as the leader of animals must give them a hand.

However, here is the problem where we have to feed those little kittens some milk manually three times per day.

I having an assignment due on next Wednesday so I need more time to focus rather than deal with those little kitties.

So far Yuritna is the one responsible to take care them but she is leaving on this Thursday then back home 5 days after.

Therefore, I and Roy have to take turns to feed them.

Hopefully I can manage those little kitties well until my lovely Yuritna come back.

*Sigh*

Anyway, I really welcome the three new members to join in our family! swt...

Paintball competition

2009-04-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I went to a paintball game in Tanamerah (I don't know where is that place actually) with my coursemates and Engineering & IT students which organised by KDU. I am the lucky one since the game is only allowed for year 1 & 2 students to join but not for final year students. There has no admission fee to charge for student and it's all paid by KDU. We departed from KDU around 9.30 something morning with four buses. However, I asked two of my housemates to join together since there has some empty slots and they get the permission by my lecturer finally, yeah! Here are some pictures to show before we started to play the game.

Going to fight for Malaysia, lol!

We often depend on each other while fighting for assignments and exams!

They are the ones accompany me most during my study life in PJ.

This is the paint marker(colour bullet) which caused me a lot of bruises!

I found quite confused to recognise the enemies because we don't even has a label to differentiate the team. We are all wearing masks and just shot each other in the jungle. I really wonder if I get to shot one of my enemies. Lol. Anyway, the game is not really reach my expectation. It was fun to me but not very fun. I keep hiding behind the tree and I felt myself as a loser of it. Next time for sure I will shot my enemies face to face instead of hide at a side (If there has once more chance to let me play the game again).

The one I care

2009-04-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

To my babe+darling+love+sister+bestie+accompany:

Sorry I couldn't have the same feeling with you or sun either because I never experience it and I hardly to imagine how hurt it could be.

You are not the one always want to fully express your emotion and I merely can understand your sadness through my prediction.

However, no matter how hurt are you, please remember you will never be alone.

You can cry, shout, angry, disappoint, sad and we are the people to accompany you passing those times.

Just wanna to tell you, he can be one of those, but he can never be the only one appear in your life. Get it?

So, just go ahead release you sadness and we will be there for you when you need us (or even you didn't need I also will show up, lol).

Don't sad too long period ya, because your hurt reflects my feeling also which means that how long you sad reflects the time I become down.

You happy, I happy. You sad I laugh!

Opss, sorry wrong type. It should be this.

YOU HURT

"I EVEN HURT MORE"

I always respect your decision because I believe you can handle it by yourself in relationship.

So, just take take your time to do things you like and I love you always as I do everyday.

Cheer babe! :P

Debt

2009-04-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have a strong feeling that my future will be full of debt and expectation.

My mum came and visit me just now, she understand I has been passing my day harder without income.

And she intended to give some pocket money, but I rejected to receive.

I no longer as a baby or child, I am adult and my parent shouldn't have any responsibility to carry me anymore.

It is oppose my self-principle if I take the money.

But the point is, my bank account left not much amount for me to spend on the following months, how could I survive?

Finally, I received the money as a loan from her. I will pay back in my future time while I have the ability to earn income.

After she left, I feel like a huge pressure on my shoulder and I hard to breath.

I so tired to have such a much debt to my sister, parent and ptptn.

I am not sure how valuable a certificate in society, I wonder is it really worth for me to sacrificed my time, money and energy to invest on my education?

Since I not so sure how my future will be, what if the certificate is useless and it couldn't help me to get a better job in future?

I guess it will be a real smash on my face if I found out I have no difference with a fresh SPM or diploma graduate.

Please, I need to finish my study smoothly.

I couldn't receive any more stress and bad news.

* One more point to add on, I just renewed my driving licence yesterday, happy! :P *

Driving license expiry

2009-04-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

Guess what!?

My license has been expired about half year and I never realized that!

I not even know driving license got the expiry date!

Does anyone know that?

Well, my friend told me there have a certain period to renew license after it expired.

If over the period then my license couldn’t be use anymore which means I have to attend driving lesson and get exam again!

No way!

Please, lucky god must be with me and let me renew my license tomorrow without any penalty. Bless me...

My sisters

2009-04-05T02:56:00.000-07:00

I really can't wait even a second to have fun with my lovely gal friends especially my sister LAURA 21st birthday on this coming soon 21st April.

Guess what!? We planing a Kuala Selangor trip for her birthday celebration.Happy!

This is my first time to have a journey with her and hopefully everything run smoothly and nothing happen until the fun time.

By the way, I really wonder how are them doing recently.

Some times I feel like want to stay with them even though we don't have anything to gossip.

And I really feel good on it because we know each other quite a long time and I never have any secret with them, just like a person with naked body, lol!

I think they will live in my heart forever even though I might abroad someday and separate with them.

Still, they are the one I always care in advance, never change.

Here is my little hope to wish them enjoy their life with target and open their heart to experience things they never try.

Really miss them a lot than I expected.

Well, I will follow up this topic again after the journey, okay?

Going to finish my romantic novels this whole week, thanks my babe Fann to lend her precious collection! LOL

*Ciao*

Done!

2009-03-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

I just completed my assignment third quarter final draft.

Now sending to Turnitin to detect plagiarism contented.

While waiting for the Turnitin result to show out, I got a little free time to update my blog.

*lol*

This is my first time to done my assignment one week before due date.

I have to make it consistent and no last minute work again.

Hopefully I can maintain to stress myself accomplish the assignments as early as possible.

No more procrastination allowed even though I can find a lot of excuses to delay my work.

I can make it!

Today's hard time for my future own good! I believe it!

Aza Aza Fighthing! (means work hard in Korean)

None stop reading

2009-03-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

Keep reading for few days in case study research. So so so boring! I woke up 10.50 am this morning then went my friend's lodging house to talk about the case study analysis part. I really headache to search an appropriate theory to apply in my study summore the reader content damn hard to understand, sigh... Still, I must continue to finish it before the assignment going to due and guess what, I left 10 days to complete it and there got the other assignment and two presentations waiting for me behind. Rush rush rush!

*By the way, today is a good day to study. The weather is pretty good and less heat.*

Love never far away from me

2009-03-19T04:10:00.000-07:00

Seriously I am quite stress since my dad get stuck in his career.

He has been own a food stall in Damansara for few years but since the day rebuild new government, my poor dad is not allowed to continue his business as a food provider at the certain place.

There have total 6 stalls in the particular area. Just same with my dad, the other stall owners are prohibited to corporate their business as well. The new government disapproved them to renew the licence and continue to corporate the stall. Environment hygiene issue is the reason for them to get rejected for licence renewal.

Since the stalls are located nearby residents living area, some of the residents complained about inappropriate managed of rubbish caused environment pollution. Therefore, the government intended to switch the stalls to other places for them to run their business.

However, those places provided by government are not appropriate to corporate a business and earn enough income. Those places are less customers and not much crowd to visit. How can those hawkers carry the whole family by only earn the little amount of income? That's not fair for the stall owners by simply drove them away to other places.

Government should provide a win-win solution instead of just leaving those hawkers to face the trouble alone but the residents are satisfy of it in contrast. The government can solve the problem by set out rules and regulations for those hawkers to follow so they can continue to stay perhaps? And those regulations can be well satisfied by residents too.

However, we couldn't change anything because we don't have the authority to change the decision, that's what-so-called "reality".

So far my lovely dad renting a stall in Manjalara there, but the business not as good as previous time. His short of income directly influence my financial as well because he is the one who keep paying me rental, book fees and living fees. Without him, I hardly live my life here as a permanent student.

Hence, I force myself to pass my days with a limited budget and search some part time job to get some pocket money. I can fully understand the feeling of people living in poverty and they couldn't buy things they like, they never know how does Haagen-Dazs tasted, and always worry about when the rental is going to due.

Due to the limited time to for me to study and doing assignments, I quited the promoter job in Sri Hartamas. Yeah, I get more time to study but I have to come back to the income issue again. I am tired, really tired.

One day I post a shoutout in my MSN, "Who can I find when I get lost...Will someone find me if I disappear oneday?"

Seriously I just simply post it based on my mood that day and I never expect anyone will give me their feedback after they saw this shoutout, never ever. Perhaps I need some love on that moment that is the reason why I posted it I guess.

Surprisingly, my friends came and MSN me and what a coincident, their first sentence is "I will find you".

This is really touching my heart and I can feel their love on me. Sometimes a word or a hug can cheer up a person. It is really works on me! Their love makes me tougher and stronger to pass my daily life as a no income student.

Just wanna to conclude my sentence here, I get the love deeply from you all my dearest friends, thanks so much to find me if I disappear. I love you guys!

Professional chef in the house

2009-03-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

I enjoy the process in cooking, especially with my housemates. Previously I not really interested in cook due to the pointless cook for my own. Luckily my housemate moved in then we can cook together and discuss about recipe and ingredients expenses. I would like to say thank you to her, Yuritna. Thanks for sharing your cooking experience with me all the time so I can cook to the person I care and love.

2nd Year, 2nd Semester

2009-03-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

Well, so far I am taking Mass Communication Degree majoring in Media Studies. I guess there have lots people not really familiar with Mass Communication course.

Let me explain here briefly. Mass Communication is an art course and some of the units require creative thinking rather than logical. For example, we study advertisement, film and creative strategy. Those subjects have to come out with a new idea from what people already know.

For instant, drive safe campaign advertisement(I just attended to listen the speech in class last week). As we all know not wearing seat belt might cause to death when accident happened. But, how many of them are really care about it? There only have a low percentage of people died by not wearing seat belt. Therefore, government organization provides some advertisement to educate people and create their awareness on drive safe campaign.

Well, come back to the advertisement again. Students are taught to think creatively such as advertisement that educate public on immediate consequence by not wearing seat belt (death) instead of keep persuade public to wear it while driving.

There are so many of my friends not really understand what kind of job can apply after took this course. Media has wide coverage and high influence on people. Medium such as print, broadcast internet are all related to media. I can apply any job which related to media no matter advertiser, broadcaster or public relation.

Previously I had high interested on production. I like to see people acting, and work as a team(have fun together, tired together). When the film has released to public, the feeling of excitement is hard to describe and couldn't replaceable especially the memorable experience during production.

However, work as production is really tough and tiring. It has long working period and less income, sometimes is really stressful when I couldn't achieve director's wants. Still, I love movies! And I will support my ex-teammates in my heart to produce more good films in local industry. Work hard!

So now,do you understand roughly what is Mass Communication course about?

New target in 2009

2009-03-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

Seriously I have high expectation on making my life more fabulous this year. My 21-year-old time, how am I going to fully utilise it? Firstly, I would like to challenge things that never try before such as swimming, dance in a club, dress up like a feminine, etc.

A new image improvement is one of the targets as well. I want to get respect in my group instead of thinking I am still the one in previous time. Sometimes "yesman" is very tiring even though people surrounding me are pretty like my kindness characteristic. But, I believe everyone will agree on me, "we live for our life, not for others". Just say "NO" if I not willing to do it in an appropriate way to avoid hurting others. Perhaps I will pretend not hearing it? Any good suggestion on how to become "noman" when necessary?

Since don't-know-when I become a moody person. At the past time, my emotion is well controlled and never give temper to my friends even though I tend to do so. However, I begin to show my bad mood in silent way(not show my temper, just stop talking) instead of hide the feeling in heart.I guess is normal for people to have bad mood right? We are human, not machine.

So far I working as a part time promoter in Plaza Damas in every weekend for one month. My job scope is pretty simple by just giving out the free cereal bar sample to customer and promote goods for them. Mostly of them are high educated and living in upper class. The working environment over there is enjoyable even though I have to stand for 7 hours for the day. They are mostly polite and friendly.

I still remember last time I blocked the way accidentally while topping up the stock, after that I realised there has an European waiting for me behind. I quickly moved away but what made me surprised was his apologize of causing my inconvenience. That is what so called western culture which is different with our country. They are really polite and adorable. I quite looking forward on Mission 2020 as we are all living in high development country without racism, and people are well behaved and always act in manner way instead of "wei, tepi sikit lar". Work hard Malaysia, we can make it too! Malaysia Boleh!

To my dearest Sou Sou

2008-12-20T09:35:00.000-08:00

For those people know me well they sure know I am a pets lover. My childhood's company, Sou Sou, she has a brown mixture with black shinny fur. I get her from my dad's friend since young. She is really tamed even tough she not really know how to take care of her little rabbits. But still I love her so much that I expected. 20/12/2008, this is the day she passed away. I really glad that I did accompany her until her last breath of her life. I wonder that if I am a good master to her and I would like to apologise for my ignorance to her when I busy in my study. Just wanna tell you, Sou Sou, I love you and never stop to miss you. R.I.P.

I am not Happy...

2008-12-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

2008, what a sucks year for me!

The bad luck keep coming since my birthday until now. I can't believe so many bad things can happen in a short year. My hamsters, rabbit, fish all passed away in this year. One of the hamsters passed away in my birthday, I couldn't accept even though it happened begin of the year and now the year is almost end soon.

More than that, my money expenses really increased incredibly until I have to borrow from my friends. My old car is the only reason for it. Why I call it as an old car because it's already 25 years old car and it caused me a lot of trouble to fix it: the door, tyre, light, exhausted fan, so on and so forth. I keep panic once the car got problem. After I mentioned the mentally suffer, now is the turn of physically. I get injured twice in this year, the first time is my left ankle then follow by my fingers. Gosh! What's happening? Anyone can explain to me?

Let me talk briefly here about the circumstance. During my holiday I did work in a studio for movie production. I really excited on that time since I never work for drama backstage before. I thought it was fun but actually that is the begin of a nightmare. I seldom argue with people and I like to work in peace with everyone. But after I get this job I argued none stop with my partner, assistance director and my ex-colleague. Everything is really normal as what I pass my life until this freaking stupid bad year. Okay, come back to the injured topic again. There had one day we shoot in Kuala Selangor and we work out for a raining scene. I kept ruining here and there to take care of the cast and also achieve what the director requested me to do. Unfortunately my left foot stepped in a hole while I rushing on doing my work. It is damn hurt and my ankle get a big bruise! Luckily the accident not so serious until broke my leg, just had to rest for a week. I only join the production for two months then quit to proceed my degree course.

Well, i am going to tell the accident about my poor fingers. I am having my 1st sem break now for 3 months. I am a Buddhist but not the holy one and sometimes i did join some Buddhists camp. My character in the "Love Youth Camp" is a guider. I have to make sure my students always be safe and carry them when they meet trouble. While the 2nd day of the camp, me and my students have to go through the station game section. There have 10 stations for us to pass through and each of them has certain challenge and hardness. I get injured during one of the game stations. The game requires each challenger to hold the rope tight and jump to the certain distance of the opposite side. I really tired after I passed a few games, therefore, I don't have much energy to hold the rope summore it is a new one and slippery. I fallen down from high when that time I hold the rope and jump. my fingers are bleeding after the strong rubs against the rope. Fingers are the most sensitive part in body. I can feel how pain is it when I get hurt! Doctor said the wounds have to take three weeks to recover and it is a hard time for me to live without the function of fingers.

What a bad year on 2008! I hate it!

Hard time to sleep

2008-10-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

I really found hard to get sleep at the midnight this few days.

Usually I straight to my dream when i close my eyes, but now, I find hard to do so.

Sometimes i really so tired to study and read, even they can improve my knowledge but so what?

Do they make me happy? Do they let me sleep comfort without pressure every night? They don't!

I really tired to read articles that 70 percent of it I couldn't understand and have to check dictionary word by word, how tired is it! Why I cannot go back to my high school time and stop forever there and live happily?

I no need to worry for the exam and assignment due because is easy for me to get pass and done for most the units and I never worry about it.

But now, time passing harder and harder for me due to the non-stop assignments to finish which I found more complicated each time. Really headache lar!!!

Someone help me pls... bring me back to my old time, I really miss that time so much which is full of fun and joy.

有口难言

2008-05-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

So far I have been working in this company for 1 month already. I still haven't adapt the situation yet though. I don't know what is the problem to make myself so hard to communicate with my colleagues. They hardly get what I mean and most of the time they even misunderstood what I am trying to say. I so tired and really lazy to explain to them. They doubt with my working ability i guess. I just a beginner in this industry and somemore i came in half way to handle this project and no one to lead me! I really don't know how to make a start!! I really easy to get bully by people, and I found a thing is I hardly stand up for myself when someone scold me but not my fault. I don't know how to fight back but quiet!!!! really angry and frustrated! I try very hard to complete my job but no one will praise me when I made the task done. In contrast, everyone will blame me when I done a mistake! This is reality! how horror is it! and damn fucking not fair! Why things never be balance, black always domain than white.

And now, I so tired...

Bad day in 2007

2007-08-31T05:15:00.000-07:00

I never mad like hell before that, well, I did it today night which i thought it is a wonderful national day.

My little hope broken when i can't get to watch the fireworks because none of my friends want to stuck in traffic jam after watch the fireworks.

Okay, I just keep quite then to continue to join their next activity, barbecue.

If i found out that the barbecue is fun then i might change my bad mood that day.

Well, it wasn't fun and enjoyable at all! I rush like hell to buy all the stuffs with my girl friends because we have a little bit late and we are the organiser to manage the party.

The bloody phone ringing none stop while i driving the car and the dialogue is crap!

Miiu: Hello, what happen? (I assumed that one of my guy friend are going to ask me faster to come)

Mr. F : Hello, my FM got make a call to Vivian right?

Miiu: Huh!? What are you talking about? I am miiu lar! (They use to call me miiu)

Mr. F: Hello, my FM got make a call to Vivian right? Haha

Miiu: I don't know what are you talking, and i am driving now, bye.

Phone Hangs up!

That conversation made me even mad and the timing is not right if want to have a joke with me.

We 4 girls almost running in the shopping mall to get the barbecue stuffs as soon as possible.

In that moment, i am thinking why none of my guys friend want to call us to ask whether need to help or not but not waiting us to prepare everything for them? Sigh... I am tired.

Then we done everything nicely and the barbecue began!

I expected that the party is warm and everyone sit together and talk crap, joking.

In fact, not at all! I felt myself couldn't enjoy in that party all the time.

None of us to lead and some of them expect me to approach them. Well, I am not active in all the moment and i also hope someone can make a joke to me when i am tired to be active in make fun.

What did I get? Disappointed, frustrated and unhappy. I am not happy!

The even worst thing occurred upon me when I tried to drive my car back to my home after the freaking barbecue has ended up with "wonderful"!

My car has bang! And I am the person who bang my friend's house gate.

Fortunately, it is not serious though, my car is nothing and the gate too. But, my heart so pain and all my madness blow up in my mind! I can't control myself and now i think back the situation is @#$XYZ!

Stupid barbecue!I hate barbecue!

Lost

2007-07-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am getting confuse for my life. I hate to make choices because I hate regret. I don know which path is important for me to get a good job in my future.

Which is my right path, I don't know. What does the society needs? I don't know. Everyday I am growing, the time machine not allow me to stop. I couldn't predict my future, start from now every choice i make is important.

But, which should I choose? Someone told me just choose something that you interested in and go a head to study and achieve it. In fact, it wasn't that easy at all, I have to consider what the society needs, was the course can make me succeed in future?

I have to figure out all those damn things which keep annoying me and stressing me. The deadline to make the choice is just around the corner, I need the decision to proceed my next step.

But now... I am still don't know what to do. Lost.

Alone

2007-06-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

Alone is a Thailand ghost movie which will be coming up in the cinema and the directors are same with the Shutter's one.

I look up great to the movie of "Shutter" which i perfectly think that is the nicest ghost movie i had watched.

Today i went out with my classmates and lecturer to Mid Valley for the show of "Alone". The show was just available for a certain colleges to come and we are one of the selected colleges.

It also have the interview part to the both directors which is after the movie has showed. I am quiet excited during that day because i already desired to watch the movie "Alone".

I also can have a chance to meet the directors which are come from Thailand and they are the directors that I'm admire due to the movie "Shutter".

What I think for movie "Alone" is "surprise"!! I never think the result will be like that but it does occur in the movie for the end.

However, I am still prefer to "Shutter" than "Alone" although both are also nice and meaningful.

Food poison, perhaps?

2007-06-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am keep vomiting after get out from the computer lab.

That day i have to do research to find a similar cases which related to my law case studies.

The first time I step in the room was nothing and everything alright.

However, the second time I step in the room, I never thought that i am begin suffered due to the smell in the room.

I even can't describe what does the smell is it. It occupied all over the room.

During that time i am rushing to get my research done so i don't care what the smell is it then straight away went in to the room.

After half an hour, the smell had become stronger and stronger and I began uncomfortable and want to vomit.

Then, a student said they need to use the class room and all of the student have to get out from the room.

After I went out from the room then i started vomit none stop. It's already 6 times I vomit in the day i guess.

I really feel so bad luck and frustrated.

Firstly, my scooter has broken.

Secondly, I am keep vomiting.

Thirdly, my sickness make me can't have the rehearses with my group members which that was the final meting for us.

Everything is occurred in the same day, what the hell!!

After I told my group members that i am not feeling well, I still have to walk back to my home for 10 minutes and it's really made me so suffered!

And even there has no one in my house when i need help.

I am getting exhausted and take out my phone to call my stupid brother.

He told me he is working and he ask me to get help from my housemate.

Then I called the house owner to bring me to the clinic.

During the half way going to the clinic and I vomit again. Luckily I got bring along the plastic bag if not I really can't imagine how mess will be.

The doctor suggested to give me an injection to prevent vomiting. After injection I can't have any foods and drinks within 45 minutes.

I really so suffered and straight away sleep on my bed after eaten the medicine. Poor thing.

Chill out

2007-05-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Last few weeks I really busy like hell and lost. I just finished my script and storyboard yesterday.

Now everything is under my control although I still got the law report which our group have to type out 40 to 50 pages and also multimedia presentation.

I feel like our group can cooperate well. Really satisfy when seeing my works have be finished one by one. *laugh*

Question marks area "?????"

2007-05-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

I never thought that i am a useless person since i am born from my mother. Everything have the first time though. I started feel that i am too much of weaknesses until i have to force myself to admit that I really useless as in the family, and friend circle.

As in the family, I am spending too much money from my family for pocket money, rental, school fees, etc and I can't feel that I'm deserve it. It is not a really big deal though.

The second one, friends, sometimes I really want to stop all the friendship with my friends and just stay alone with my family and pets.

However, it just a temporary thinking for me and I really need friends in my life.

Sometimes friends will be your burden and you can't easily dump it as you like.

You have to take care and carry for them when they need your help.

When they are asking you for help and it will be inconvenience for you to help, so how?

Just refuse?

How to refuse by won't make people getting hurt?What an embarrassing and terrible situation for me!

There is another problem as well.

How did you create and maintain a friendship with friends?

Actually this problem is just occurred during my college period.

Have you ever curious why the friends surrounding you can easily make friends with others but you can't?

Started i will thought that my English is not as good as theirs so it should be the reason to obstruct the extension of my friend circle in college.

But, this thinking was proven inaccurate since i met a friend(called M) which I am assumed that M have the quite similar English ability with me.

M can easily make friends with others, she is friendly perhaps. I think am am too shy maybe, don't know.

I really need someone to tell me what is my problem, this already stressed me since I am stepped in college.

For the teamwork, one of my friends(A) said i have no problem with my attitude for doing the work together but another one(B) gave me a totally opposite answer.

It makes me so confuse most of the times and i don't know which should i believe.

B said i the main problem to me is because i don't know how to express myself.

Yeah, when i met a serious issue i really don know how to convey my message to others.

I don't have the confidence to make others listen to me and believe to my idea.

It can conclude that my English ability makes me scared to express myself.

English, what a challenging language for me, sigh.

Another reason is I might misleading or hurt other people when i fully express myself even i am not that mean.

Do you know how hard for a person if he/she can fully convey the message without hurting people?

It is hard for me, i don't know others though.

For example, today i want to join a group for my presentation assignment.

One of me ex-group mate asked me why I don't want to join the current group instead?

Then i just simply thrown out an answer which I don't know it is freaking wrong answer for her until the other ex-group mate reminded me.

I want to join them because they make me learn more and better even they had stressed me most of the time until I suspected myself if engaged with Melancholia.*Laugh*

I also found out that no other friends will speak English with me except them.

However, I worried that my answer will misleading her to think that I just want to "memperalatkan" her ability to get high mark so i didn't tell her my real answer.

Maybe one day i will not care how other people think about me and just throw out what I am thinking but I know it have to take a long time to make it which is totally against my natural characteristic.

Ipoh 1 day trip

2007-05-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

Everything has happened too abrupt, just get a call then already in Ipoh tomorrow, unbelievable.

My friend has invited me to have a one day trip in Ipoh with the reason that she get the car from her family. The trip wasn't be planing but we also don't care, how dare us? *Laugh*

We have the total of four people to go. We went out at 8 something morning then came back around 9pm.

We are on the way to Ipoh.

The most memorable was the food over there. I ate none stop since I arrived there until I have an intention to throw out everything I ate, the food quite nice though, especially the egg tarts and the taufu hua.

Just came out from the oven,it's still hot.

The taufu hua so nice and sweet.

Then we went to the amusement park since we got the extra time. Over there got the "fake beach" and we can play volleyball as well. I like the park there which has gave the feeling of natural.I can sit on the chair and enjoy the sun light touch on my skin, the feeling so warm.

Do you feel the natural in the park?

We are in the "fake beach"

I think he is trying to catch the ball by his leg, we are not playing football lar~~~

The end of our trip is having a freaking nice seafood as the dinner. It was the first time for me to taste the oyster(have to add with the lemon juice) and a very long+big "lai liu ha", damn excited.

They(oysters) do look tasty right?

Another suprise is the bill though, really "dai chut huet". Anyway, it is worth for me to the day.

What a freaking bad weekend.

2007-04-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am suffering illness right now and i can't concentrate to do my revision and homework.

The yesterday night i never slept well also, i had awake every single hour and even hard to fall in sleep again, too bad.

I thought i could enjoy my weekend,in the end though,poor thing.

Do people rather find their ex when they face trouble?

2007-04-06T21:07:00.002-07:00

I have received my ex calling on midnight.

*Ring tone*

*The phone screen appeared my ex name*

Me: Hello.

Mr. L: Hello, are you sleeping?

Me: Nope, i am preparing to sleep, what happen?

Mr. L: Nothing lar, just want to chat with you.

Me: Are you sure? Must got something happen on you, just tell me.

Mr. L: My phone remaining no much credits so if the line cut off means my phone have no more credits.

Me: Okay, just tell me what happen with you.

Mr. L: No, nothing happen.

Me: I am doubt with it, you sure got something happen.

Mr. L: I have been rejected by Miss W(sound like so sad).

Me: What? Are you told her that you have feeling on her?

Mr. L: Yeah, but she said we just can be out going friends.

Me: Don be sad lar, just try again and wait until she fall in love to you. You already try your best and if you guys have fate then no need to worry for it. Just take it easy. Bla..bla..bla...(consolation)

*After 20 minutes more*

Mr. L: Thanks for your accompany, I'm feel much more better now. Wait a minute, why we already chat so long time but my credits still not finish yet?

Me: Maybe you are using friends and family service to call me.

*Line cut off*

This is not the original conversation though, I can't remember word by word for what we have chatted.

My point is, "do people prefer to find their ex when they face any problems"? If yes, why?

Do they want to get back with their ex? Or they just simply want to chat with their ex?

Do they lonely?

Do they have any intentions? Or not perhaps?

I have heard some cases from my friends about their ex phone calls but still cannot find out the consequence.I am so curious about it lar...

A night i shifted to another room

2007-04-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i slept in my housemate's room,i had took quite a long time to fall in sleep because i not used to sleep in her room at night.

She came to my room borrowed my laptop because her laptop has brought to Singapore for her cousin and she need it to do her homework and watch her favorite anime(i forgot what is the name though).

During the night she keep asking me if i want to sleep but I said never mind because i also enjoy with my love story.That is a sad story but it has a happy ending.

She has started sleepy after sat in front the laptop for an hour more, so, she asked me whether she can rest on my bed awhile.

After that i online to meet my friends through msn. When i finished my chatting,i saw her meeting very cheerful with zhou gong already.

I don know whether i want wake her up or not because she looked like so tired. In the end i have a decision. This is my steps to wake her up(i know is so funny,but don't laugh).

Step 1: I off the light,if she wake up then i will ask her go back and sleep.

Step 2: I open the door and notice what is her response.

The final step: Close the door, if she wake up then i can go back to my bed and sleep.

In the end, she has no response for what i have done,so disappointed lar...She is really tired perhaps.

I have no choice then i went to her room and sleep.Sigh...

Birthday party

2007-03-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

Next Wednesday is my friend's birthday so me and my friends are planing to organise a party for him on this Saturday .

The venue is
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
in my HOUSE!!

My house was selected because I have never open a party in my house before. I also want to try to in charge a small birthday party even that is not my birthday.haha~~~

We got 3 people to in charge, included me. The total guests we have invited are 9 people, two of them said they will be very late though, so the accurate number is 7 people. Not bad but also not good enough, sigh.

We got barbecue and steamboat for the party,so i need to go pasar borong at midnight(the opening time at 1 am something) with one of my friends to get some fresh and cheaper seafood.

Pasar borong,what a most scary place i have been visited in my life. I will never ever go there again especially at midnight! When i arrived the destination, I began wondering is it i had going to a wrong place which is a guys country perhaps?

It is really shocked me when i saw a hundreds of guys in front of my eyes and even half of number of them are foreigner. They are all busy to take out their fish, prawn, etc to sell.

Normally the pemborong(what is pemborong in English?) are selling to those want to buy a lot of seafood but my friend's relative are working there so we thought we can buy a small quantity with a cheaper price.

However, everything has crashed because we are reached too early so my friend's relative has nothing to sell for us.She introduced us buy the seafood from her friend, i call him Mr. A lar.

Mr. A told us that we must buy at least 2kg each if we want, this is the rule in pasar borong.

Mr. A is quite busy on that time so me and my friend has bought 2kg prawns(15 bucks per kg) and 2 kg sotong (7.5 bucks per kg) with not enough time to think.

I really cannot stand on the place even 1 second due to the busy atmosphere(the place is occupied by people those are busy working and i have no place to stand) and the guys surrounding me.

After that, we almost want to run out from the terrible place.

*opened the car door*

*closed*

*locked*

gau dim!55 cao!

On the way to go home,I am so worry that if the prawns and sotong can be finished, and also the budget of money because we have spent 1/3 of money for only this two stuff .

I got a little bit regret to get myself involve in this event(cannot regret leh...how ah?),so many things to worry about, sigh...

My 5th semester.

2007-03-29T04:20:00.000-07:00

I just started my new semester on this Wednesday. I really don't know why every time i start my school day i will full of excitement. The situation has begin since i am in kindergarten until now, so weird lar... Anyway, I want to be active and make more friends in this semester, woo!!

Most of my friends didn't attend the classes in the first day of school. Some of them ask me if can help them take attendance. In the end i didn't write their name in the attendance list b'coz the lecturer required our email address as well and i don't know what are their email add though.

I got three assignments of film studies subject, the pressure is coming again, hopefully i can do it well and trying to finished it without any arguments with my group members. I am always learning how to cooperate with people in a right way.

Holiday again...

2007-03-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

It have been one month and more i didn't post anything in my blog. I just finished my final exam for radio production and having a vocation right now. Me and my family members will go to Redang on April, I am full of excitement because we have been a period of time didn't have a family trip. The organiser is my elder sister who are sponsoring a lot in the trip. I have to collect 200 bucks for the trip though.

Another good news for me is my classmate ask me to go Cameron Highland next week. I am quiet surprise for it because this is the first time i was asking a trip with my collage friends. Hopefully the both trips can be done with successful. I am waiting for it.hahahaha~~~

Friends

2007-02-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever have a very big gap with you friends? I did. This is the first time for me and i hope that will be the last time as well.

I am a person like to share, but i can't enjoy with them most of the times.I am trying to make myself with them but i am failed.Is it because we know each other not much or our background is difference or my fault?

I know the feeling of hurt so i am trying to prevent it with treat my friend nicely. In fact, you won't hurt people doesn't mean they won't come and hurt you. I knew that but i still can't hurt them back when i am getting hurt.

Anyway, i will try to make our friendship be better but not going to far away from them.

I can live without air-corn but not fan!

2007-01-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

My fan has broken!

Malaysia as the hot country and i can't stand with a night sleep without fan. How can I pass tonight and now i am starting to sweat! Who can help me...Help...(Why no respond,so sad)

I just passed up my assignment and i decided to have a freaking nice sleep today.

Unfortunately, the stupid fan has broken and i just can looking at the fan right now and done nothing.

Someone can tell me what should I do...I have no idea now. The raining season has stopped so tonight would not going to rain.Now even I can't feel any wind blow, poor thing lar...

What a suffer night today.

Wu...Wu....Waaaaaa...

Eye on Malaysia

2007-01-24T18:44:00.000-08:00

Last Friday i wanna to stay in my student house and even not decided to go back my home town.

I realise that i am getting tired to go back my home town and hang out with my high school friends every weekend.

I felt guilty to my parent because i not much accompany them and i spent most of the time with my high school friends.

Then I plan to go back to accompany my family every weekend and maybe hang out with friends once or twice per month.

However, some happen make me feel dilemma is i can't reject my friends' invitation and i want to accompany my family as well!!

For instant, last Friday they invited me go to Titiwangsa because Eye On Malaysia was built for tourism purpose in 2007. I am not interested at all and even not decided to spend my 15 bucks for sitting on that "thing" just 10 or 15 minutes.

I can watch movie two times in cinema which cost 12 bucks(student price 6 bucks per show).The rest of $$ i can buy a beverage too.

Then i told them i will not go with them and i need to do my homework in my student house(i just simply pick a reason to show i am busy).

One of them has replied me "everything has planed wor..."(sound like pity). I am thinking if i reject to go then i will break their plan(I hate myself can't be selfish!!).

I have no choice so i just follow them go to Titiwangsa. I knew that they are expecting me to make fun(my character with them is making fun).

On that time I was forced to go and i have no mood to have fun at all. My mind has thinking if i keeping be quiet the atmosphere will be bad.

I started pretend myself by showing excitement most of the time but not going to tell them i am not willing to visit Titiwangsa actually.

After i went back to home i feel so comfortable and nice!

They are my best friend and i really so enjoy to have fun with them(is true!!).In my mindset is I am willing to hang out with them but not often as before. Everything is different though after i staying in PJ and they are not even know.

Never ever hang out with the person you dislike!!

2007-01-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

I was hang out with two of my high school friends at night. Though that was a raining day but it doesn't made me feel no mood to go out and i have a happy meal with them.

After having our dinner is around ten something. Since the time still early, we hang out with another group of friends.

That was the worst gathering for me in my life!!

I know him during my high school and i called him as Mr. K. Actually i am ok with him but he has a very negative thinking of me. He had critic me before with my friends then one of them told me the happen. He said i am a very talkative person and he don't like i always talk too much in front of him. He said he won't fetch me the second time again because i am too annoying.

What's wrong for a person like to talk?? Yeah maybe i really talk too much on that time but it doesn't mean i am a bad person ok....And he should not determine what kind of person am i from his first impression.

After i known he not willing to be friend with me then i also didn't bother about him. He also study in the same college with me now!!!

During the night we yam cha then i felt he is insulting me most of the time. I hope that i am too sensitive but my feeling told me that he really done it.

I get mad of him on that night is also related to a person called Mr. B.

Mr.B is Mr.K best friend but he also is my friend since my high school. I treat Mr.B so nice because i felt that he is a very nice person. I so care about Mr.B but i always clarify that i just treat him as my special friend.

Mr. B has a girl friend recently but Mr.K told me the girl is playing around Mr.B and Mr. K want to let Mr. B realize that problem.

I started worry about Mr.B then Mr.K suddenly ask me don't intend to chase his best friend and his sound like giving me a warn!!He even keep warning me! I never said i want to chase his friend wat, what the hell he is talking about!! He is no authority to give me a warn ok... He thought who is he?? He is nothing!

That's why i am feel damm mad right now!! i hope that i won't see him anymore if not i will get mad again!!

Loking forward to my indo and pangkor trip.

2006-12-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

This was the first time for me to go many places and far as well during my school vacation. I have a sense of excited and even counting the date for my trip everyday.

Though my mother and sister sponser me to go indo, i have earn the money for my second trip by myself from working.

Do you know that feeling when you get your salary after acomplish your task?

That feeling was so proud and you will feel everything is worth especially after you deal with some chosy customers and even scold by your boss.

Everything is worth!! Do you know that?

I can't imagine how proud am i for going to my second trip without my family members sponsership. WaHahaha....

Wonderful planning for my school vocation

2006-12-03T03:15:00.000-08:00

27nov-4dec:Exam

5dec-13dec: Hopefully can work in sin chew daily company for 10 days to earn money for my both trips,hehe.

14dec-20dec: Jakarta I am coming!!

21dec-22dec: Stay at home have a rest or go out yam cha with my gossip group,wakaka.

23dec-25dec: Celebrate my ex's birthday and Christmas in Pangkor Island.

26dec-Jan 07: Either stay at home accompany my family or continue my working while waiting for my next semester begin.hehe.

I am quite satisfy for my schedule and i am proud of it anyway,haha.

Special for you and Chetoo

2006-11-30T00:32:00.000-08:00

Chetoo..my friend's hamster. I have seen the hamster (him) through the picture before. He was so cute and small. Unfortunately, he passed away a few days ago. I know that my friend must so sad but i can't do anything and even don't know how to console her because we are during the exam week. I also worry my concern will make her sad and think about her hamster again. So, i just can write a message here to ask her don be sad, everything is ok...He will be glad because you had being his owner and giving care and love always. Hope that you can control your emotion and get well soon. I can be a good listener if you need to talk your sadness and everything. Good luck in your exam.

HApPy BIrThDay!! ^_^

2006-11-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

Mr. LCC

Hope you have a very special birthday. You always is the person i respect and love. Sorry i can't accompany you often. I also know that you can't have a proper rest just for earn the money everyday. I feel so guilty that you still have to paid for your birthday meal.I give you a promise here, i won't let you be alone an i will try my best to accompany you after my graduated. Thanks for sacrify so many times, money and energy to bring me up. I am much more appreciate here. Happy birthday and thank you.

Today is my cooking day!!

2006-11-23T05:17:00.000-08:00

I like to eat variety of foods but the quantity must be less. The food that I bought from restaurant which is so many ajinomoto and I even cannot finish it most of the times.

What for I still want to dabau the food contained a lot of chemical? So wasted if i can't finish the food.

Then i want to "COOK FOR MYSELF TODAY"!! @^^@

The problem is I long time didn't cook already. Last time I cooked since I am 15 years old. After that I called my brother's friend to get the information how to cook the sausage soup,hehe. She was wondering if I cook for someone that i admire,wakaka.Because i put too much water to the rice then it seems like porridge,hehe.

Finally, I have cooked the sausage soup, fried sausage and chicken rice for my lunch. Yummy!! Though they looked like not delicious but they are pretty nice!! I so proud to myself actually.

I have cooked the taufu and tomato beens for my dinner. The taufu is...ok. The beens is...nice. The rice have... improvement,wakaka. Anyway, I am quite kagum for those people have a good cooking. Eg: my dad!! His birthday is coming soon and i am still thinking for his birthday gift. Fan a....(@_@ )

Is it childish happier than mature?

2006-11-19T02:31:00.000-08:00

People those were knew me always said: "you're so childish". The problem is am i childish in physically or mentally?

Some people answered: "you look like a child while you are smiling".

Other peoploe said: "your act like a child".

Sometimes they will ask me don always act like a child(mostly were guys), try to be mature a bit.

One day, i tried to be quiet and talked something in logical but not talk bullshit(this is mature people will do right?haha). Then they wondering why am i different with before and i seem like so cool. I told them i am getting mature and not as childish anymore. "hahaha..." ,this was the respon they gave me. During the night, i keep doing the same thing to them. I realized that my friends can't have fun because of my changed (i always talk shit and they will laugh together). I have a sense of sad because that is not my way to be a mature. I just want my friends be happy and we laugh together. Every week i went back to my home town they will so happy because i always playing the role to make them have fun. Eventually i changed back my attitude as a childish. They felt better after i changed back and we have a happy ending, haha.

If i become a mature i will be happier? I don think so.

I like reading but i hate writing!! (i_i)

2006-11-17T00:15:00.000-08:00

This semester i have a writing subject. The lecturer require us to interview people and write an article. I know that my english is not as good as other people so i have to progress myself a lot. I started getting a hard time to go and interview people. Most of the sentences i couldn't understand what the fellow taking about. After done the interview, i have to keep listen and listen to the recording to make myself understand. I don know how many hours i have spent to keep listening the recording. And i have no idea to write the person's background that i not really familiar about. Finally i just can write 6 hundreds something for the articles but the lecturer required us to write 1200 words!! So i edit and edit again.But in the end i still get the same amount of words. I'm getting tired and i decided to give up and i have sent the article to my sister's friend to help me have a look. The result was so dissapointed. She said i have a bad written...A lot of grammars and vocads have to watch out. And she said she can't help me edit my article b'cos that will be her article instead. I felt so frustrated after i received her email and i have a feeling to cry. In the end i just edited some part that she has advised me to change. I don know how many marks i will get for this assignment, but i just hope that i can pass for this subject coz i don know what can i do if i fail this subject... This subeject gave me a lesson that i should read more and more articles to learn how people writing styles. I guess i will go and buy an english to english dictionary to improve my english.haiz...